Frustrated & Still in the Dark

I'm still feeling awful. I went back to out-of-hours yesterday and again I was sent home. Apparently if I take codeine on it's own, instead of co-codamol (codeine and paracetamol combined), it will help. Erm... No, it won't. Something is seriously wrong. I am now losing weight at an accelerated pace and my stomach is red raw from all the heat packs I've been using for comfort. 

I feel like today is the day I would run away if I thought doing so would leave my bad health behind. I am so incredibly depressed. It's Father's Day today and I couldn't even make my hubby a cup of tea. I ruined my daughter's 11th birthday and then I ruined her sleepover. I wasn't well enough to prepare anything. Not even small party bags. I can barely get my breath. If I talk the pain starts to intensify and the breathless gets worse. I haven't had a bowel movement now in 7 days! My face is pale and my eyes are dark. I look like a zombie! 

I just can't handle this anymore. I have this impending sense of doom just hanging over me like the world might actually end any moment and this is from being so depressed because of how ill I am feeling.

Just how long can this go on for? The new flank pain reminds me of how it probably felt in the medieval times when they used to stretch people on those awful torture machines. It's such a bizarre feeling and I've given up trying to guess which organ is being effected. 

My poor family don't know what to do with themselves. They don't know what to do with me. None of us know what to do!

The good news is an appointment with my gastro doctor has been organised for the 30th. The bad news is it feels like a lifetime away when I'm feeling so unwell. Could it really be Chrons? Does Chrons work like this? Is the abdominal pain felt all over, including in the stomach/pancreas region too? Or is it Endometriosis that's everywhere? Wouldn't the chest X-ray I had the other day have shown something?

Then I start panicking that it's something much more worse and sinister! I'm 30 now. 30 year olds get cancer. There's so much anxiety on top of the my general bad health that I don't even know what part of my body to work on healing first! 

I really miss feeling normal... I wish we were spending Father's Day having a BBQ in the garden, the puppy playing in his pool and the kids bickering over the swings. But instead, I'm laying in the same place I've been for the last 2 weeks, heat pack clutched to my torso, hubby quietly sitting beside me asking if I'm ok every so often. Curtains are closed. The day has been cancelled! Heck, the whole month has been cancelled.