When the going gets tough... literally.

This is me on a good RA day. 

This is me today, right now - unkempt, wearing my husband's shirt, pale and sad looking. I'm perched at my desk with a massive blanket covering my cold legs. I'd get dressed but I'm in so much pain and my fingers are so swollen, I'd never manage it without help. And like most days, I'm home alone.

The idea behind this blog was to document how awesomely I kick this disease's ass, but the reality is, it's kicking mine! And it's kicking it hard! So today is the first day of a very real look at what it's like living with chronic illness. 

I feel like I've been hit by a truck. It's not even an exaggeration anymore. And this week my self destructing immune system joined forces with my digestion system and decided to make things a lot worse!

You'd think I'd been blessed enough with being slowly crippled by the RA but you'd be wrong. Apparently I need some constipation as well. RA pain meds like to make things worse elsewhere, you see. Only this caused another problem recently that many of us have heard of but probably never really understood the effects of how evil it is (unless you've suffered with it before).

Anal. Fissue.

It feels like I'm sitting on broken glass and trying to go to the toilet is almost a guaranteed fainting experience. I never knew something so small could be so completely awfully. My swollen joints pale in comparison to the pain that has been bestowed upon my bottom!

It would usually be ok because they give you some cream and that will help it. You just bath before you apply it twice a day. Easy! Easy if you can get the lid off in the first place. Easy if you can get in the bath unassisted. These hands can't do shit! I can't do it. I can't do anything. My independence has danced off into the sunset whilst my body is being ravaged by illness and my mind is being held captive. I can't stand it! 

And to make this pain party even better, mother nature decided today was a good day to start the heaviest period of one's life.

Needless to say, I am miserable.

I ask myself every night, when will I feel wellish again? At least well enough to get dressed. Or to make some lunch. But each day it just gets worse. I've lost my late twenties to this and it's not looking bright for the future right now. Dwelling in self pity is allowed today... I have my period, afterall. But I'm fighting to stay positive most days now. It's just exhausting. I miss my old body. It was much kinder to me before.

I'm sick of crying about how crappy it all is. I feel like I'm being ungrateful because in the grand scheme of things I'm still a lot better off than many, but you know, turmoil is all relative and I want my blog to be an honest account of my life with the Rheuamtoid Arthritis otherwise what's the point?

Mini Tour

I love to read blogs and see the blogger's pretty homes and where they sit at their desks etc. It's mostly curiosity *ahem* nosiness. 

Remember before, how I mentioned that I wasted my life (pre-RA) days wishing I was a Pinterest mum? Yeah, I'm still not there yet! But I do get some nice ideas from Pinterest and this Ikea shelf was one. I saw so many pictures of this shelf in people's home offices that when I saw it pop up on a local selling Facebook page for £30, I had to have it. Now the room is squishy but I love having a space for all my files and notebooks and baskets of random bits and bobs.

My desk area is where I spend majority of my time. I work from home doing web and small business branding design, so it's important that this area is light and airy and inspiring. I tend to ignore the fact I share this space with my dining room but I love it regardless.

I absolutely adore my bed. But hey, who doesn't love their own bed? During my worse flares, this is my haven. I don't spend as much time here now as I find I am eager to start my day but before, during my darker days of self pity, I'd just lay here until I knew the childminder would drop the children home from school. Those were some trying times for sure.

My bedroom is still a work in progress and I've since ditched the little tv for our old living room one as we recently had Sky connected upstairs (hello lazy weekends!) but I really love my bedroom. 

I had never owned a dressing table until recently and It's made it so much easier to get myself ready now that I have RA. Before, I'd just put my make up on standing in the bathroom or with a compact mirror on the sofa but now I can barely open a mascara tube so everything has to be set out just right and applying make-up with RA hands is a real task!

So this is my mini-tour. I'll be sharing in more depth soon.

Heels of Hell!

I don't know what I was thinking, but I bought these shoes. Why? Because I was feeling really empowered and bold and maybe a tad bit crazy so I stuck my fingers up to the painful, swollen toes that connect to my even more painful and swollen feet & said I'm having them anyway and ta-da! I present to you, the highest pair of boots I have ever seen in my life. 

In in the pre-RA era, I'd have never walked about in these bad boys. And honestly, after 5 minutes of wearing them I was in agony and I still won't ever walk about in them. But they sit under my clothes rack and they make me smile and that's what is important in life. Being able to smile! Who cares if you can't wear your gorgeous shoes, you can still look at them and appreciate them and know that they are yours regardless.